Warning: contains strong opinions that you possibly won’t like; 
I use girl/woman and girlfriend/wife assuming that they have the same meaning here;
long post is long.


There is a topic I would like to discuss, one that repeatedly occurred in the asks I received during the last months on my tumblr, which is:

Can you make a Cuckquean?

Your name is Ubaldo and it’s been days/months/years that you get a stiffy every time you think about fucking another woman while your girlfriend, Brigitta, KNOWS. The problem is that not only Brigitta doesn’t know, but you don’t even know if and how this fantasy will ever reach the state of reality. It seems to me that what you need is a step-by-step guide that will explain in a few simple moves how to drop the bomb of your fetish and ensure your partner’s consent. In this regard, here is a quick video that explains the key steps to start the impossible conversation.

Now, let’s make a few things clear: if you are here because you are genuinely interested in the Cuckquean dynamic and you need some advice from those who have already been through it, perfect, let’s sit down and talk it out; but if you’re here because it makes you hard and you can proudly tell your drinking buddies that you can fuck whoever you want because your girl gets wet thinking about it, then please click the X at the top right corner.

You see, every time I get the question “How do I convince my girlfriend to be a Cuckquean?” I already turn up my nose and think that these two aren’t a) in a BDSM dynamic, and b) in an especially deep relationship.

The option a) comes automatically because I always assume (with the naïvety and optimism typical of my stupid and frivolous age) that if a couple is in a D/s dynamic, then they have all the tools to communicate about their desires and limits. How else would have they decided that it’s okay to stick a rolling-pin in the unfortunate’s ass? (You use lubricant, don’t you? The friction of the wood is evil) And if the couple has already had a good discussion about limits and their personal fetishes, then the step to introduce yet another kink, at least just to discuss it, shouldn’t be a big thing. From a Dom asking me about cuckqueaning I’ll expect an interest in the most commonly made mistakes during the early stages; the relationship with jealousy; what can act as a trigger for a full-blown emotional collapse etc. We are talking about, as you can see, a much more complex level than “Hey, how do I convince my baby that it’s the coolest shit if I fuck another woman?”

Option b) is somewhat a)’s daughter, because without a satisfying level of communication there is no depth in the relationship, and if the relationship is superficial, cuckqueaning will destroy you at the first gust of wind, and it will leave scars. When you ask me how to turn your girl/wife into a Cuckquean, you’re taking away her right to decide for herself. How can there ever be any other first step, if not “You ask nicely, and then you let her think it through”? 

Whenever I feel distinctively that the guy I have before me is just your average horny dude who watches exclusively threesomes when he jerks off, I get this uncontrollable desire to make him introduce me to his girlfriend with the excuse of helping him, and then convince her to kick him in the balls and leave .

Just so you know: a horny man who somehow manages to start the cuckqueaning is walking on the edge of psychological abuse. Of course then I think that if she has let herself be taken into such a difficult thing when they can barely have sex with the lights on, she probably doesn’t shine much for perspicacity either.

However, as I always love to do, when taking into consideration an idea the best thing is to dissect it to see what it is made of. Just like it makes no sense to refuse labels BEFORE you understand what they mean. Because what are we talking about otherwise?

Once I was watching an episode of Masterchef Australia and there was this chef who used food so that it looked like fruit. You had a perfect orange and then when you cut it you saw that it was made of meat and colored gelatin. The grapes were actually other stuff that with grapes had nothing to do. You get the gist, right?

You are sure that you are turned on by cuckqueaning and instead what you want is a whole other fetish, and you piss off your partner for months and months until somehow you end up in the dynamic, and then the divine illumination slaps you in the face: “No wait, what the hell is this thing?”

So, before wondering if you can “make” a Cuckquean, look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: am I a Queanbull?

I assure you that you won’t find/attract/make a Cuckquean if you are not a Queanbull. And, thank God, you’re not a Queanbull just because you fuck others despite having a girlfriend, just like one is not a Dominant simply because they can give a spanking.

Split the hair in eighteen parts, for starters, and do a little self-analysis. The clearer your intentions, the easier it is for your partner to decide conscientiously.

- Sure that what turns you on isn’t a normal threesome?

¾ of the  Cuckquean blogs I see on tumblr have a simple voyeuristic component combined with a threesome (and I’m not referring only to the images and gifs, but their text content and captions). It’s not that if you actively participate instead of sitting on a chair then it is cuckqueaning. Just like it’s not necessarily a threesome if your girl licks her pussy while you fuck the lover. It may be a threesome with your girlfriend, just like you can have a cuckqueaning session with someone who’s not officially your partner.

Careful with the limits here, because if the scene remains about the same from the point of view of the actions, the psychological involvement behind them is on a completely other level and it can make the difference between a “Oh yes, let’s try it!” and “Fuck you, get out.”

With cuckqueaning, unlike the threesome, you flirt with the taboo of betrayal, with the breaking of monogamy with unbalanced roles, because ‘only one’ enjoys it. Threesome doesn’t make you wonder if your man will eventually leave because he will find someone better or fall in love with another woman. Threesome doesn’t put the emotional exclusivity into question.

It’s totally OK if you like the idea of a threesome, or of your partner watching while you fuck someone else. But it’s not cuckqueaning until you shake what society (and possibly even you) calls the foundation of the couple, and you still make it out together.

- Sure that what turns you on isn’t polyamory?

I think it’s pretty clear that cuckqueaning is like shooting blanks. It looks like there is no exclusivity, but there is. It looks like there isn’t monogamy, but there is. It looks like there’s betrayal, but there isn’t. It looks like he loves the lover more, but he doesn’t. It looks like he doesn’t care about the Cuckquean, but she’s the only thing constantly on his mind.

In a poly dynamic, keeping the metaphor, the bullets are real. In the poly your safeword is that everyone is special and at the same time no one is. The lifeline is that you all have the same chances of drowning.

In a poly there is no emotional exclusivity, he can (and probably will) fall in love with each partner, and everyone involved must be ready to handle the so-called NRE (New Relationship Energy): the initial phase of butterflies in the stomach that makes you see only that one, special person. It means that if you have 4 girlfriends, during the NRE you risk neglecting 3 of them, and make them feel as if they were less special than the new one [this is an incredible negative outcome, taken for the sake of making an example].

If the taboo of betrayal doesn’t make you neither hot nor cold, but the idea of falling in love with the lover gives you peace, then polyamory is probably what you need to discuss, not cuckqueaning.

- Sure that you aren’t just incorrigible?

Maybe the point is not even the cuckqueaning, because you’d be fine with your girlfriend like with any other. The point is that the idea of fucking another woman turns you on, period. You are part of that class of men who cheat for the sake of it. You get bored easily, your love stories don’t last long, and if they go on long enough you can’t help but take a look around. Fucking whoever you want is your first wish, the consent of your partner is just convenient to keep your conscience clean; even then there will be times when you won’t say anything to your partner, because even if you have their permission, you don’t want to lose the thrill of the secret. You’ve probably already cheated on others, you are doing it now or you’re definitely open to the idea. Communication with your partner is absent or subservient to the purposes of the moment (no need to let her know everything *everything*). You believe you know your partner thoroughly, her limits, what she’s willing or not to accept. You end up in someone else’s arms because you already know that your partner just can’t understand your dire need of *insertrandomfetish* and you love her with all your heart but you cannot give up such an important part of yourself, and you know that she is not one to do certain things, so as not to hurt her you create an innocent, small personal space where you can truly be yourself.

To those who are part of this category I wish copious and karmic accidents to their nuts.

Until recently, when the cuckqueaning phenomenon hadn’t completely exploded on the internet, the only witnesses of this fetish were victims of such men. Betrayed in reality but unable to end the relationship because of an addiction mechanism (including the possible D/s relationship), they ended up forcing themselves to accept the situation, legitimizing it by blaming themselves or by creating a Pavlovian reflex of sexual excitement. These Cuckqueans were the ones who suffered more abuses, who were victims of double-bind dynamics (see Bateson’s studies), who needed every time a stronger stimulus to patch up their torn ego.

The point of cuckqueaning is that your partner not only KNOWS. She PARTICIPATES. And no, take away your hand from your dick because I’m not talking about active participation during sex, but about involvement in the dynamic. She is as influential as you. She has veto power (and if she doesn’t, she has some other safeword), she has the right to build this fetish so that she can gain from it too. Self-esteem? Competition? Desire to serve? Cuddles? Humiliation? Adrenaline? Whatever it is, she must have a way to get it in a healthy and protected environment where the most damage she can bring home is some bruising (metaphorically speaking, she can get whipped to a bloody pulp by the 'cake, if everyone is OK with it).

The Queanbull wants cuckqueaning because it entails the total involvement of his partner. If he were proposed to fuck someone without his Cuckquean’s consent but without the danger of getting caught, there would be no sense anymore for him. What’s important is not fucking others, but making a new experience with his partner, together.

[To those primarily interested in fucking others, but who have sought the legal way through cuckqueaning, talking honestly with their partner: I can’t condemn you, but you’re not Queanbulls, you are Ethical Bangers - using the term coined with The Ethical Slut]. 

The Queanbull is obsessed with checking that his Cuckquean is satisfied at every step and that she has the right support if she’s going through a difficult time. He is open to re-discussing the rules of the dynamic when his Cuckquean shows that she has matured new positions. If after several changes, his Cuckquean is still unhappy, he is willing to consider the temporary or permanent interruption of the fetish.

The ideal Queanbull doesn’t need cuckqueaning, and because of this he manages it with great lucidity and fairness.

He can be a Dom, a Sadist, a Kinkster. Whichever the case, love for his Cuckquean is what moves him, and that remains the ultimate motive.

If you find these positions legitimate, and you feel like you can take responsibility for them (or you already do), then you can move to the next stage and wonder how to bring your partner closer to this fetish. But if you love threesomes or polyamory, I strongly suggest you to make it clear to your partner.

If you’ve confirmed your identity as a Queanbull, then you can ask yourself if your partner is a Cuckquean.

Yeah, good morning to you: you could find that the one you hold in your arms is not a potential Cuckquean.

I’m not saying that Cuckqueans are born that way, and certainly with a sufficiently open mind almost everyone can be warmed to any practice, at least in theory. The point is that there will always be that small percentage of people who just are not wired that way. You can try everything you can think of, they can be 100% ready to listen to you and understand you, but in the end it won’t work without violently forcing them, because they’re not like that. That’s it.

Take into account that you can find yourself in that uncomfortable spot where you have to decide whether the game is worth it.

Whatever the position of your perhaps-one-day-Cuckquean may be, the main point will always be to talk OPENLY. No subterfuges, no manipulation, no emotional blackmail, no half clues. Sit down at dinner, at lunch, in the middle of the afternoon, whenever and wherever you like, and talk openly. About your desires, your fantasies, your fears, about how important it would be for you but how much you don’t want to put her in an impossible position.

If point 1) is Communication, 2) is certainly REASSURANCE.

Why? Because you can bet your ass, if she has never even touched this fetish in her head, she’ll begin to wonder why you want to fuck others. Is she no longer enough? Are you bored? Maybe you don’t love her anymore. Who are these lovers? Have you already cheated? Do you have someone specific in mind? Do you like her more? Are you falling in love with this other woman? What if it happens? And what if you end up neglecting her completely? What if the lover has the foolish idea of being on the same level as her? How will she know that she is more special than the lovers? Why should she endure the jealousy? And what if the lover wants to steal you away? And if they succeed? And if someone were to find out? She would be the pitiful victim, etc. etc.

If she’s open-minded enough and your relationship has a healthy communication, you’ll be able to reach this point and she will be free to drown you with her absolutely apocalyptic predictions about your relationship and her mental health. She will have all sorts of worries, and despite your diligence in calming her (which you MUST do), you can be sure that 80% of your initial actions will confirm her fears. This is because she has to make peace with herself and with her prejudices/fears first, and your role is to be the axis on which she will rotate.

To put it simply, you are the pole and you are asking her to be the pole dancer. Like hell she will hang onto you, if she is not sure that you can bear it (it may look funny, but you won’t laugh when your girlfriend/wife will question your integrity in the relationship).

Point 3) is NEGOTIATION, where you both lay your cards on the table about what you are willing to try, you plan a course of action, and generally decide whether you really want to do this, and how.

A brief but important note about the possible reasons that can lead your partner to flip you off rather than talk civilly: her past. Keep in mind how much her education, personal experiences, self-esteem, familiar voices etc. have formed her thinking about what is a couple, and what she should expect from it. Her jealousy may be caused by personal insecurities that go all the way back to her childhood; it could be that her whole life has been built on the desire to retrace the steps of her parents, or to get away from them altogether, and this fetish puts her in a checkmate; it may be that by accepting the cuckqueaning she would damn to hell all those tests that during her life have assured her that she was in a safe and loving relationship, and you are forcing her to turn everything upside down. 

There are millions of factors that could push her to say “No”, just like there were millions that brought me to say “Yes”. Don’t start anything, not even in theory, until you know all these factors. You must know her like the back of your hand, or you won’t be able to understand which steps will make her collapse. Most likely she won’t be able to recognize them either, and it will be up to you to recognize the signs of a possible trigger.

When I wrote about considering if the game was worth it, I was referring to your partner’s past, which might be so ingrained and important that starting this fetish will devastate her, and bring consequences not only in your relationship, but also her work, social life etc.

I remind you that intimate relationships have a key role in establishing the 'den’, the 'refuge’ in which you can recharge and heal from the hell that is the outside world. Cuckqueaning plays on destabilizing this refuge. The problem is that if the perhaps-one-day-maybe-never-Cuckquean doesn’t have her feet firmly planted on the ground, she will really plummet with all the nest, even if that was not your intention.

So yes, I have seen cases where the Cuckquean shouldn’t have started this journey, because every unresolved issue got poured into the dynamic and suddenly all the limits counted nothing, there was no more reality and fiction, betrayal was true, and trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to stay close to the compensation mechanisms of an insecure woman convinced that she’s being abandoned. And you shouldn’t be close to her not because it’s-so-boring-meh, but because you’d be directly responsible for the psychological damage of a person you declare you love.

More than 3000 words from the beginning of the post and I think I’ve given you a sufficiently clear picture of how challenging the role of the Queanbull is, how many responsibilities lean on his shoulders, and how much strength it takes to manage a similar dynamic. Emotional sadists and mindfuck lovers know what I’m talking about quite well, because they share similar responsibilities.

The advice for introducing a woman to cuckqueaning is always the same: talk to her and listen to her, careful to keep in mind all the variables that could turn your erotic fantasy in her own personal hell.

If at the end of all this you are still sure that you have what it takes, then let me hear your questions, go straight to the point with your beautiful woman, do whatever you like.

But if you are among those who felt like throwing up while reading this article (aside from the fact that I’m verbose as fuck), do a favor to me, to yourself and to those you fuck (hidden lovers and/or official ones): go back to jerking off on youporn, because making a Cuckquean is not for you.